A baby, a birthday and an up-coming trip to Cambodia have all combined into a fearsome weight that very recently took the shape of a sack full of nickels and smacked me upside the head.

Yep. A wake-up call for Sandra, shouting down the line, "Hey, Lady! You've got some issues to deal with!"

Up until very recently, I've manage to keep Rocky's arrival, my fifty-sixth birthday, and our holiday plans for a trip to Cambodia in separate little envelopes in my head. It wasn't until I could hear that newborn mewling from next door and the calendar flipped over into June that the the great shuffle happened and I realized I been dealt a hand that needs playing.

I'm soon too old to be allowed to adopt from many countries ... fifty-five being the top limit for quite a few, Cambodia included ... and I'm now realizing that heading there the week after my birthday is going to bring up some emotions I've been pushing back for a while.

Part of our plan includes spending at least a couple of days at AOA, the orphanage that cared for our kids, and up until very recently I've been looking forward to our time there without a care in the world, my focus aimed toward Sam's impressions, interactions and participation, happy nannies reconnecting with former charges, children enjoying gifts we bring and food we prepare, and so on. Only now am I realizing that it will be very hard for me to walk away at the end of our time without bringing another child into our family.

There are usually between 70 and 100 children at AOA, and since the suspension of adoptions by Americans in 2001 made adoption so much less likely for Cambodian children, we've become accustomed to seeing many of the same faces in person and in photos from the orphanage. The kids born that year are now nearing age-out, that happens at eight in Cambodia, and some who had come in earlier ... who'd been little more than toddlers when we traveled for Sam ... have already gone out into the world to try to make their way.

While hugging and feeding and watching AOA kids play with Sam and Cj, running around and enjoying the treats we bring, will I have persistent strains of "What if only ..." thrumming through my head and my heart? You bet I will.

This saga continues in the next post.