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A few evenings ago, I was utterly and completely unable to wind down. It was one of those nights when you can’t sleep so you spend too much time surfing the channels for something mindless to watch on television in the hope that it will lull you into a state of such boredom that sleep becomes imminent. Always interested in shows relating to crime and the human condition, I landed on WE tv’s “Women Behind Bars“. It was a rerun, but once I heard of the subject matter, I was hooked.
Well, hooked and heartbroken. Few things land me in tears faster than hearing about the abuse–and then subsequent death–of a child.
The inmate featured was a woman named Peggy Hilt, convicted of second degree murder for beating her adopted Russian daughter, Nina, to death. (WE tv shows a clip here, but please be forewarned–some of the images are quite graphic.) Nina was Hilt’s second adopted child; she and her husband first adopted daughter Nataliya from Ukraine.
In light of the Anita Tedaldi saga, Hilt’s story makes Tedaldi looks like the “model mother”. While it’s important to note that there’s no comparison between the two women’s actions whatsoever, it’s also vital to recognize that Hilt and Tedaldi are the exception and not the norm. A friend of mine (a PAP of a daughter from China) sent me a message today, suggesting that actions such as Hilt’s–and even Tedaldi’s–offer up a “bad rap” where international adoption is concerned. And while it’s important to note again that I do believe these are the exceptional cases, I must also admit I feel as though she has a good point.
Both cases site “attachment difficulties” in some form. While it is impossible to compare an instance of relinquishment to the death of an adopted child at her mother’s hands, the fact remains the same: both cases explore the attachment issues adoptive parents (or PAPs) could potentially face. Are attachment issues incredibly trying and frustrating? Most definitely. But there are many ways to obtain assistance in working through them with your child.
So many times I’ve heard of or read about AP’s or PAP’s who say “oh, I could never tell my social worker that.” The long and short of it is yes, you could. And you should. A social worker’s purpose is not to drag the child out of your arms at the slightest parenting challenge; in fact, it’s just the opposite. Social workers are instrumental in helping families stay together and work through whatever issues are at hand. If you’re experiencing attachment difficulties with your adopted child, it’s vital to discuss it with someone, anyone–your social worker, your pediatrician, or your adoption agency (to name a few). Some form of attachment difficulty is not uncommon in international adoption, and it can be quite distressing for all parties involved. Know your resources as a parent. If your child had a medical issue, you wouldn’t necessarily feel the need to combat his or her condition on your own accord; the same holds true for issues with attachment dificulties. There is no shame in asking for help. It doesn’t make you an “unfit” or “unsuitable” parent, but rather one who is concerned at parenting to the best of his of her ability–in short, the best kind of parent around.
I have four adopted special needs children. Three of them have reactive attachment disorder. Unfortunately, my experience with social workers in the State of Oregon is not good and I understand the reluctance of parents to share their fears, concerns and struggles about their children. Once an adoption has finalized, the system seems more designed to accuse parents than to help them. Numerous times we have had Oregon Department of Human Services (DHS) caseworkers imply that our children had issues because of our parenting and not because of reactive attachment disorder (RAD), fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), etc. We also found that the caseworkers had very little knowledge about the issues facing our children and family as they were primarily trained to deal with child protective services issues. It has taken us YEARS to get the help that our kids needed, working with the State.
Finding the Oregon Post Adoption Resource Center was a godsend for our family as we finally found the advocates that we needed. You’re absolutely correct, it is important to know the resources that are available. I highly recommend looking outside of DHS agencies. Counselors that specialize in dealing with issues like FAS and RAD are invaluable. Other adoptive parents are also exceptional resources. It’s possible that one will be labeled an “unfit” or “unsuitable” parent when asking for help. I think it’s important to acknowledge the truth of that. That said there is no reason to FEAR it. An adoptive parent needs to be strong, proactive, and a good advocate for the child and family and that means seeking help and asking questions, regardless of how it’s received.