Last night Hubby and I went to see a Doctor that specializes in adoption issues. He came highly recommended and of course was not covered under our insurance (out of network). We decided to go ahead and self pay for a visit to meet with him. We were very pleased with our two-hour session and I feel a bit renewed. Like I had been wandering around and someone pointed me the right way to go. I thought I would share some of what we learned in my International Adoption blog, so that other families might have more information about their kiddos when bringing them home. I’m sure these questions are applicable in domestic adoption as well.
We have been concentrating on behaviors so much lately. For example the girls have been talking back a lot, and not listening very well. We know that some of this behavior is “age appropriate”, meaning normal for their age, but still is dealt with. They have also brought up issues that tell us they need help grieving. After last night we realized that we need to really work on this grief issue and the behavior issues will fall into place. This may read as a “duh” to some people, but I assure you when you are in the beginning of an adoption, especially with older kids, you are not always thinking clearly and it is easier to react to behaviors.
1) Find out what exactly the girls were told by their father about his relinquishment of
2) Find out how the agency first told them about adoption.
3) Research how adoption is commonly viewed among Ethiopians, where it fits in culturally.
4) Find out what the kids were told happens when people die.
Some of these things we may not be able to find out. What information we get from the kids, will be their views on the situations. Since how they are dealing with their grief is what we are looking for, this is okay.
If you have not traveled to get your child yet,you may want to take these points with you and get answers while you are in country. If you are having your child escorted, you may have to ask these questions directly to your agency or escort. Find out all you can!
Why have we not asked our kids these questions yet? The most obvious answer is the language barrier. Now that they speak English well and communication is easier, it seems harder to “go back” to these questions. Rest assured, we will find a way to talk more with the kids about these hard issues.
I’ll be talking more about the grieving process this month.