Discussing Adoption: Never Too Young

In past blogs, I’ve touched on the importance of celebrating and maintaining your child’s cultural identity and heritage. Today, I’d like to focus on the role of discussing birth mothers in international adoption. I’m a bit of sorts after reading the following comment on one of the many internationally-based adoptive parenting blogs I read on a semi-regular basis: “We have never talked about [my son's birth mother] because he’s seven and not ready to understand adoption yet. Besides, there’s not as much of a push since this isn’t a domestic [adoption] anyway.”

Wait, what? A seven year old is too young to grasp even the most general concept of adoption? You never speak of his birth mom? There’s not as much of a “push” since your son was adopted internationally? What? What? What?

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I openly grimace every time I hear of an adoptive parent of an internationally-born child downplay the role of their child’s birth mom. This kind of mentality says that some adoptive parents equate the term “closed adoption” with “out of sight, out of mind”. A closed adoption means there is no contact with your child’s birth mother. It doesn’t erase the link to your child’s first family. Just because there might not be a tangible memory or a concrete reminder, it doesn’t mean your child was born in the proverbial cabbage patch. What’s the use of celebrating and/or maintaining your child’s cultural identity if you have so little concern for his or her source of origin, the very person who gave your child life?

It blows my mind.

We do not have a lot of information on Beauty’s birth mom, but what we do have, we cherish. I have several pictures of her, a few things written in her handwriting, and some background information. Beauty knows about M., even if she doesn’t really understand who M. is in relation to our family (keep in mind, Beauty’s only two and a half and is a bit delayed). But she can name M. when she sees her in a picture and above all she knows–even if she doesn’t understand it very well–that M. is family and family is special.

While there are some open international adoptions, many are closed. As adoptive parents, it’s our responsibility to maintain a sense of self for our children. Even if there is no external “push” to do so, there should be an internal one; there should be a want for you, as a parent, to foster your child’s sense and knowledge of identity. Many parents who adopt internationally have no choice but to discuss adoption early on if there is a physical difference between parent and child (even though it shouldn’t be a “forcing factor” to have said conversation). It is so vital to raise your internationally-born child with a strong sense of self and cultural identity, and what better place to start then with an ongoing discussion about your child’s birth mom?

Photo Credit.

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