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When you ask adoptive parents why they choose adoption you may hear different reasons. Infertility, inabliblity to carry to term or other health problems, do not want to go through a pregnancy, single mothers or fathers who want to parent without a partner, etc. Many different reasons, but if you break it down the reason people adopt is to be a PARENT. To raise a child.
We want many things for our children. We want them to be healthy, happy, strong and productive. We also have dreams for our children. Dreams of raising an athlete or talented musician. I dream of raising girls who are very compassionate and make an impact on this world.
Wants, dreams and desires are all normal. What is destructive is when we impose our dreams, expectations and desires onto our children when they do not want the same things that we do. While they are young we can easily make choices for them and shape and mold them as we please, but at some point the child’s personality comes out and you realize that they are wired for something else. If you dreamed of raising a ballerina and your child has two left feet and prefers to write stories, you let go of this dream and realize that your dreams are not the same as your child’s.
One of the comments that I often get about my girls from Ethiopia is that they will get educated and go back to Ethiopia to help their country. This is a nice thought from people who haven’t really thought out why people adopt and try and put everything in it’s own neat little box. When told this comment by a stranger or person I don’t know well, I smile and say,”Maybe, if they want to, but that may not be their dream.” If I hear this from a friend or family member I try and add some education as well, like,” Ethiopia has a very high rate of unemployed or underemployed people, it is not the best place to find a job right now. Plus, our daughters no longer speak Amharic and will be very much Americanized once they get through school. They will make their own plans”
I can not stress enough that if you are adopting to SAVE A CHILD, SAVE A COUNTRY or SAVE THE WORLD you are adopting for the wrong reasons! Any ethical agency will screen parents well enough to know the intentions of the prospective parents and educate as needed.
I wrote earilier this month on Madonna’s adoption attempt in Malawi. I do not think Madonna went through the adoption process ethically at all and had many problems with her trying to bend Malawi’s rules. Today I read a quote from Madonna:
“I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and health care possible,” she said in an e-mailed response to questions from the newspaper.
“And it’s my hope that she, like David, will one day return to Malawi and help the people of their country,” Madonna told the Nation on Sunday.
This infuriates me to no end. Not only has she not expressed the desire to parent another child, she talks all about what she will provide and then expects her adopted children go back to their homeland and help out. There are so many problems with these statement I don’t know where to begin.
Madonna clearly needs to go to an Adoption 101 class and realize two ways adopted children might react to adoption. One way is to rebel and break the rules and the another way is to be the “perfect child” for the parent. Both ways are harmful for a child. The rebelling child may break all the rules to see if you will stay with him/her. The so-called perfect child may feel inadequate and never good enough and live their life how they think the parent wants them to live. I am obviously oversimplifying these patterns and most kids fall in between the two.
As parents I believe it is good to have high expectation on manners and behavior. We need to set good examples for healthy lifestyles and diversity. We need to see our children’s strengths and weaknesses and help guide them to becoming the best that they can be. We must not expect them to live our our dreams.
If Madonna wants to help the people of Malawi she should continue with her work in that country herself and not expect her children to do it for her.
Just to play Devil’s Advocate here…
I’m not sure how much of that is actual expectation and how much is her trying to appeal to the general public in Malawi. I do agree she should have talked about wanting to raise another child but I don’t know if she’s actually setting these kids up as future philanthropists or if she just knows that this is what they want to hear to let her adoption proceed.
I’m just going to stay far, far away from the subject of whether or not she should be allowed to adopt little Mercy though…
Your right. I’m sure she is playing up her image as well. I also know that kids listen to everything we say and do and that I get so tired of my kids being told how grateful they should be!