Not One Big Happy Family

My decision to adopt was in some ways very easy.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 32, and the decision to create a family through adoption seemed natural.  My husband and I spent months thinking about adoption; what would the process entail, how could we afford it, how would we raise a child while living in New York City, could we actually adopt after my illness?

We read books, we talked to friends, we attended seminars and informational meetings, and as the months went by, our options became more apparent, and we finally pulled the trigger on starting the process.  For the 12 months this process took us, my husband and I never told our family.  Well, we told my family, because my parents helped us think through some issues we might face, but we never told his parents a thing…not even a hint.

 

My husband was from a large family, and was the baby of seven.  His mother was the type of noisy person who felt her family should be procreating constantly.  As the baby of his family, my husband knew the creation of our family would be at the top of his mother’s meddling list.  So, we didn’t tell her.  He didn’t want to tell her anything until we brought our child home, but I convinced him that wasn’t very practical.

Right before we had our first interview with the adoption agency, we flew home to tell his family in person.  We thought this was too big of a decision to inform them over the phone.  The first conversation was held with his parents privately.  It didn’t go as well as we expected.  Obviously, they were curious about the process, and his father asked us how we had reached this decision, but his mother was silent…with a sour apple look on her face.  I felt so bad for my husband because my family was so excited and supportive, but it didn’t look like we would get the same from his family.

The next conversation was with my husband’s siblings.  This gathering was much more positive and upbeat and we finally saw the love and support we didn’t get from his parents.  They were so excited and congratulatory and peppered us with a thousand questions.  My husband was used to this kind of treatment by his mother and family, but I wasn’t and I was really disappointed.  How could his family not support the most important decision of our lives?

Adoption takes a lot of support, from our friends, family, co-workers…from our community.  To start the adoption journey without full support of everyone important in our lives would make the journey even more difficult.  But my husband and I decided that with or without the support of his parents, more specifically his mother, we would go forward with our adoption.

Eventually, my mother-in-law came around to the idea of another grandchild, despite where Elle came from.  On our very next visit home, we had to buy another suitcase just to bring home all of the gifts she showered on us, and our future daughter.  But to this day, I have held some resentment towards my mother-in-law for making our adoptive journey a little harder than it had to be.

Photo Credit.

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