OPEN International Adoptions

Lately I have been reading and seeing more information about open international adoptions. This pleases me. I think that openness in adoption is a positive way for adopted kids to grow up. Of course there are varying degrees of openness, and in some situations open adoptions may not be a good idea (past abuse comes to mind here).

I often bristle when I hear of parent’s adopting internationally “so they don’t have to deal with birth families”. I try not to be judgmental, but without birth families their would be no adoptive families.

As with domestic adoptions, there are many different ways to communicate with birth families. Letters and photos, pictures, phone calls and even visits are possible. Each country is different. If your child is from a country where relinquishment is illegal, than the chances of you being able to have an open adoption is much less of course. Do some research when deciding on the country you are to adopt from. I would not be surprised if more agencies and countries start to encourage more openness.

In my own personal experience I feel so blessed to have met Mita and Enu’s father, grandmother and half-siblings (much older). I have a grasp of where they came from, I sat in their grandmother’s living room sipping Fanta and answering her questions. She wanted to know what kind of education the girls would have, what activities they would do, if we went to church and what do we do as a family. I loved the cross-examination because it meant that she cared. Their dad cared. They were loved more than life itself and were relinquished out of sheer desperation. I also have family pictures of the girls growing up and of their mom.

Our agency encourages us to only communicate through them with the birth family. I understand this wish. It can be tricky communicating with a birth family who lives in a developing country. The needs their are so great, people may ask for help or money. To keep adoptions ethical we must make sure there is no appearance of “reimbursement” or “payment” for the children. We were allowed to give a small photo album of our house, family and the pictures the agency had sent us, but nothing more.

Since the adoption we have sent several cards, letters and pictures to show their dad how well they are doing and how much he is loved still. He has written back once and sent us pictures of him as well. On my last letter I included my email address. He doesn’t speak English and the girls no longer speak Amharic, but I have a hope in me that he can get his nephew (who knows some English) to email us with details of his life.

I long to know more. The girls deserve to know more. I will do everything I can to get them what they need. We have decided not to wait ten years to go back to Ethiopia for a visit as originally planned. Now we are on a five year time line. I pray their dad will still be alive, that we can meet up with the other siblings. I would love to visit their mom’s grave and see the church they were baptised in. These are all details and moments that would come more easily from family than a private investigator.

Hubby and I are Mita and Enu’s parents now, I feel every bit their mother as I do to my two children I gave birth to. Visiting with their dad at the time of the adoption and any possible future visits will not diminish our parent status with the girls. I do not feel challenged to prove that I am mom. I am the one who feeds them, clothes them, hugs them and kisses them. He gave them life and we are able to help them grow up with their needs met, while continuing the love. This is a partnership really.

If you are adopting internationally and have the opportunity to meet your child’s birth family and to continue to communicate with them I encourage you to make that choice. Meeting their dad was the hardest moment of my life, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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