Our Cultural Clashes May Annoy Us, But We Must Try and Understand Them

I talk a lot about embracing your child’s background or country. When adopting internationally it is important to get a glimpse of the culture “quirks” and mannerisms. This is not always comfortable for us. My experience yesterday is a great example of being out of my comfort zone. Since I did travel to Ethiopia last year and I have lived in South American I tend to like these cross-cultural experiences, I even find them funny. I do, however, understand how these times can be stressful on people and hope that you may gain some insight on developing countries through my post. I am also writing about this on the Transracial Blog topic, in more detail about the hair and the transracial aspects.

Yesterday, I took Mita to an African Salon to get her hair braided. She has her first school performance tonight and we needed some one-on-one time anyway. I was also picking up my mom from the airport in the evening, so my trip to the “Big City” would take two checks off my list, and how I love that!

I found the hair salon thanks to Google. The site was very professional, gave price quotes, pictures and good information. I made an appointment over the phone and told her what hairstyle Mita wanted. The name of the style was “Kids B” or something like that.

When we arrive for our appointment the place is literally a hole in a wall and very run down in a old part of town. I’m fine this and Mita is not swayed by it at all. They don’t keep records, so they have no idea of the style I had asked for. The ladies working were from Senegal and spoke very limited English. I waded through magazines to find what I liked and they agreed. I then wanted to confirm the price and they had to call the owner and I talked with her over a cell phone. We agreed on a price and the finally got started on her hair (a half and hour late).

Many customers went in an out during our stay. I noticed that there was not a cash register and everyone just handed the owner (who had come by this time) cash. The web site said they took credit cards and debit cards. I’m getting worried at this point, as I have very little cash on me. Another mother who was sitting beside me mumbled,”They are going to have to call the police on me. I only have twenty dollars and not they are saying it cast $50. When she gets up to leave she throws the money at the owner yelling how this was the price she was quoted. The owner blocks the door and they are all yelling. I look at Mita and she isn’t even phased by this, all is well in her world at that time! After they let the lady leave I casually ask,”Your web site mentioned that you take credit cards?” The owner shakes her head and says that there card machine is down, but I can go to the liquor store next door and go to the ATM. At this time I am praying that the ATM takes my kind of card, since we are out of town. I also start thinking of how I can get out of here without cash if we need to. My back up plan was to trade them my daughter’s DS and games, which about equal the price plus a big tip. I was happy I had brought that game system!

Mita did so well until the last half and hour. She cried and cried. She was so hungry and tired. I gave her snacks and water, but the kid was wore out! At this point two ladies are doing her hair. One of the ladies gently told me that kids Mita’s age didn’t usually get this kind of style because it was so long in a chair. Well I feel like world’s worst mom and this point and wish they had pointed out a more appropriate hair style when we first got there. Mita pulled it together and her hair is AMAZING. After four hours, hair extensions, boiling water and a lighter (yes, a lighter!) her hair is a masterpiece! We are so happy with it and she knows it needs to last at least six weeks, they said it could last for 3 months if we care for it well. The cost is not cheap, but I’m glad we did it.

The liquor store ATM game me money on the second attempt (thank you God!) and we payed up. I left tired, but happy and feeling like I had been to Africa for a few hours. Mita was elated and I felt like the day had been a learning experience for both of us.

If we break down my experience and we can see the cultural normals of a developing country and how our American expectations clash with those norms.

The experience does not always match the advertisement. When you visit a developing country (old term is third-world country) you often see people yelling things to bring you into their stores. All the stores basically have the same things, but it’s the person advertising that attracts you usually. The web site I found was professional and I felt comfortable with them as a business. Once I got there I realized it was a smaller scale operation and not as polished as advertised. I must stress that the service was wonderful, just rough around the edges.

Negotiate or ask the price before the service or purchase. As there were no prices posted and my phone experience was not documented so I confirmed the price again once I got there. If you are in country you may be expected to bargain, ask your guide or agency what the normal is for haggling.

Example: Once in Peru my husband and I got our boots cleaned on the street after hiking. They quoted Hubby a price and I assumed my price was the same. They charged me double and I couldn’t argue about it. This is considered the BUYERS RESPONSIBILITY not the vendors. This is very different with our American, “The customer is always right” anthem.

The owner/boss has all the responsibility. There is very little trust in developing countries. Here in the states a waitress can run the register, and turn in the money at the end of the shift. In countries like Peru and Ethiopia, the workers simply handle the beginning of the transaction, and the boss deals with the money and sometimes is the one to give the item or service. This can be very frustrating as we are used to asking for something and getting it quickly.

Example: I once bought a box of crayons in Peru. I picked out the crayons through a glass case and the worker behind the case wrote out a receipt. I took the receipt to the cashier (who was behind bars mind you) and paid for my crayons. He stamps the receipt with a paid stamp and I take it back to the first person who helped me. He then calls to the owner, who opens the case with his keys and gives me the crayons after checking the stamped receipt. I was the only one in the store, it was a small store and everyone knew what I was doing. This was for a box of crayons!

The adoption paperwork process requires a lot of paperwork and a lot of stamps. It can be so frustrating to not pass court because of a simple stamped piece of paper. We may want to blame our agency or the courts or the country for the long process times. We really need to just step back and let them do their work they way they know how, the way it works for them. This is easier said than done. I’ve been on the waiting end and know how it feels.

These are a few of the cultural differences I saw yesterday. I saw much more than differences though. I saw similarities that only confirmed that we are more the same then different. I saw three women working very hard, standing on their feet all day, braiding hair until their fingers were most likely numb. One was pregnant and ran to the bathroom every few minutes, just like I did when I was pregnant. I saw their kids come in the store after school was out and noted that they were very used to being there. They settled in and played while eating Cheetos and drinking apple-juice, every once in a while asking to go home. I was very aware that I was able to splurge and get my daughters hair done, while they had to work long hours to provide for their kids and they had no time for a meal and the liquor store next door providing convenience foods was the best they could do. There kids spoke wonderful English and showed very active imaginations and talents. While people in developing countries may do things differently than we do, we must remember that we are all the same. We work hard at what we can do to provide a better future for our children.

Photo Credit: MandyW 2009

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