As any ESL student will tell you, English is a very difficult language. We may not have gender issues (in the language, that is), so keep it simple when it comes to nouns and articles, but we more than make up for that small mercy in spelling quirks, colloquialisms and sheer numbers.

Living in a country with three official languages is not too difficult, for me, because one of the languages is English. We get a number of folks here, however, who have only Spanish or Russian or Mandarin, and things are tougher for them. Sometimes they decide to pass on the French and Creole altogether and try their hand ... or mouth, as this case may be ... with the English.

Many Seychellois speak English, but the Creole accent puts a spin on my native tongue that sometimes leaves me wondering. Emphasis is most often the culprit when I find myself not following a conversation ... it's funny here, to my ear. For example, here's an impossible sentence that would never have an occasion for utterance, but sums up the difference:

MADonna goes to the CASino in her MERcedes when it's not DETermIned to need a MECHanic like GOLiath (with DETermined pronounced with a long i, so it sounds like DETer mind.

Of course, Seychelles isn't alone in butchering the English language. On offer in shops here are products packaged in other parts of the world with labeling that makes them collectables, at least as far as I'm concerned. When I see, for example, a package of peanuts advertising that they're "Thin in skin and thick in nut ... good for travelers and those who stay at home" and sold by the 'net wet', I just have to buy!

Here's the packaging copy from something I bought the other day, and, yes, this is a direct quote so the typos are theirs:

Directions of Product.

The product is high science and technology cleaning to ilet artieles of internation a lization. There are characteristic: decontamination is powerful, no bruise, don't be stained with grease, it is liked by housewifes of the llnited States, of America, Japan, The Soviet Union, Italy all the world.

Use: The produet is used to wipe icebox, washing machine, aluminum produets, plastics products, cleaning is easy.

Points of Attention: Be used to rinds of surface rough ware, toilet strictly prohibited.

Any guesses as to I bought?

The answer is: Iron Bull Brand Yin'er Best Cleaner Sponges. Yep. Sponges.

There's an entire website dedicated to interesting translations. Well worth a visit, especially when you can't be amused by labels like this in your local supermarket.