Continuing the discussion between Adoption Search/Birth First Parent blogger Jan Baker and myself, that started out very badly ...

You'd think by my age I'd be savvy enough to 'get' that much of what looks like anger is fear and pain, or the fear of pain. I am well aware of how very often that is the case with me, but somehow managed to do a lot of knee-jerking rather than read around and under early comments from Jan.

It wasn't until subsequent emails ... after a few stones of understanding were put in place ... that I started to see where her fear and mine met, and possibly even shook hands.

Although we have more in common than we'd expected, where our paths diverged makes the Grand Canyon look like a dimpled chad.

Jan's blogger persona stands firmly on the birth mom side of the triad, occasionally aggressively so. That's not only her job, but her position; she is a birth mom. An educated guess would say that from her perspective, adoption equals relinquishment. I doubt there are few warm fuzzies rising to the surface of Jan's mind when someone utters the words, "adopted child," and any such mention must raise question after question, and no few hackles.

Adoptive moms bubbling with baby joy would have to be annoying to anyone from the other side of that relationship, and a strong bond of kinship with sister birth moms must be one of the few places of comfort to be found.

I think many if not most adoptive moms are aware of this, although taking the time to allow yourself to identify with a pain so at odds with your joy may not be an exercise taken often. Perhaps, not often enough.

Continued ...