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International adoption: take two. Is it easier the second time around?
Well, that’s a tough question. Let’s break it down into two seemingly simplistic yes/no categories for starters. In a small way, yes, it is easier. Having adopted a daughter from Guatemala in 2007, I have a general idea of the process, the paperwork, the fees, and so forth. Words such as “dossier” and “I600-A” actually mean something to me this time around, as we start the journey of adopting our son from Ethiopia. So in that respect, yes, I feel a second international adoption is a bit gentler than the first.
Looking at the flip side, though, there’s a fair shake for the “no, it’s not easier” mentality. There’s still the wait, for one, and the uncertainty. There’s still a chance you’ll invest all this time and energy into the process only to have the process change or worse yet, the country of your choosing close its doors on international adoption. Paperwork snags or gets lost, etc. There is that chance. But what in parenthood doesn’t come with risks? Pregnancy, adoption, and just generalized child-rearing—they all come with their own set of risks. Isn’t that essentially what the very act of living is all about?
I think back to starting Beauty’s adoption paperwork in July 2006 when Bear was only two months old. I remember leaving a meeting with our social work agency and driving home in silence with my husband, Kev, feeling too overwhelmed to speak. We needed to get licensed as foster-to-adopt parents through the state; we needed to schedule our home study interviews and meetings. We needed to fill out a mound of paperwork to even get those proverbial balls rolling, and that didn’t even account for all the information required by our adoption agency, and it didn’t even touch the “laundry list” needed for our dossier either. I was floored. My elation and excitement turned to pure anxiety and stress. Instead of thinking “this is what has to get done” I was thinking “how on earth am I going to get this all done?” This is where I now have the home field advantage the second time around with the power of positive thinking.
Okay, so I know positive thinking won’t make anything move faster in an adoption. It won’t toss more money into my bank account; it won’t hire me a personal secretary to keep tabs on what needs to be notarized, certified, and the like. So is a second adoption overall easier than a first, in my opinion? Yes.
Kicking aside the benefit of a pre-existing knowledge of the technical terms, my second adoption experience so far has been reasonably stress-free overall. I can’t lie and say I’m not anxious to keep the experience moving along, but it’s the excitement that’s keeping me up at night, not the worries of what needs to get done and what needed to be completed yesterday.
It’s easy for someone on the outside, so to speak, to tell you to relax, take a deep breath, move through it one step at a time. However, it’s not that easy to internalize it. I was so frantic to bring Beauty home, so nervous and excited, that I sped through the long, arduous seventeen months of her adoption process on frantic fumes. This second time around? I’m going to savor every step. I’m going to try my best to enjoy the process as much as I can, even if my heart is longing to hold my son as soon as humanly possible. If that old adage about life being a journey and not a destination holds true, I plan on trying my absolute best to relish every single step of the journey to our baby boy in Ethiopia.
