Things have been running so hot and heavy on this blog for a while that I figure it's time for a bit of a breather, a little levity, a jigger of jocularity ... and a darned fine example of the humor some adoptive parents manage to create out of the dense ether of an Internet group dedicated to support, communication and fair interchange.

Background:

A while back, in one of my more snitty moods, partially brought on by the aforementioned hot and heaviness, I responded to a post on the GAARP group ... that's for geezer adoptive parents, for those of you that aren't -- geezers, that is ... with a brusque comment about adopting from Mars.

Well, if that didn't wake the Isaac Asimov in GAARPsters!

Like my post here a while back, just the thought of adopting from another planet provided quite the forum for frustration relief alongside the comedy relief.

With the permission of the original posters, of course, and a little fiddling, today's International Adoption Blog proudly presents the "GAARP Take on Martian ... and other planets ... Adoption".

After some deep investigation, adoptive mom investigating possibly another adoption, Kate, managed to find the following information on a USCIS page that I can't get to load at all:

REQUIREMENTS of adoption in Mars (Interplanetary requirements basically the same.)

* Singles and couples are accepted

* NO age restrictions on parents or children

* "Special needs" ... ALL are considered special needs (Martian children are usually green, have 2 antennae, 20 fingers per hand, bleed green, and have tendency to fly about the age of an Earthling's toddle. Vaccinations mandatory. School aged children tend to have symptoms of hyperactivity, obsession with hats and excessive bilingual chattering, some of which shatters granite.)

*Home Study must show notarized, stamped, translated, Fed Ex'ed, lost, hand delivered, evidence of SW delving into adoptive parent(s) ability to travel looooong distances in small spaceship, wear restrictive oxygen masks/tanks for extended visit on Mars, and deal effectively, patiently and responsibly with the absolute unknown all with a smile, no questions and no Adoption Supervisors.

There is a long list of waiting adoptable children, for Mars has not been, until recently, a planet of interest for adoption by Earthlings.

The number of adopted interplanetary children by Earthlings follow:

1997....1....Mars
1999....1....Uranus
2005....1....Mars

Note from the prospective adoptive mother: "My home study is in the works. My SW tells me the interplanetary adoption process takes about 3-5 months. I am not sure if that process time means actual Earth months.I do not ask questions due to that " no questions" requirement.
Patient,smiling, responsible,
Kate

Now, if you're wondering why the Martian adoption program sees so little interest from Earthlings, Dr. Nancy Ferguson, adoptive mom to two and expert in such things, was kind enough to provide the following list of immunizations required for children from Mars before they are allowed to be brought to earth.

Vaccine Recommendations for Intergalactic Infants and Children

DPT - Draco Positron Testing - to prevent setting off all the airport scanners on arrival.

HercB - Viral Infection from the Hercules B galaxy -causes the child to turn inside out- no a pretty site.

HePA - Vaccine for male children from Polarissima Australis necessary to keep them from reproducing with ragweed on arrival to earth

RotaVirus - Yes- you guessed - prevent spaceship sickness when orbiting planets.

HIB - required for children from planets under the star of *b Centauri, prevent hiccups, which cause significant structural damage to buildings if untreated.

IPV - InterPlanetary Variance vaccine - allows child to adjust to earths gravity, so they no longer have to be tethered down or kept in a low pressure bubble to keep them from imploding.

Flew - Similar to above, but limits their ability to fly - this is optional as it may be beneficial in sports activites against common earth children.

MMR - Maffei I/Maffai II Reverberation - specifically for children in these galaxies, failure to get this vaccine will result in quarantine for 620 earth years and could cause you to miss their first steps - generally taken at 500 years when they reach the size of a mammoth - yes - diapers, diapers, diapers.

Varinella - known as chicken pox on earth, this illness in an unvaccinated IG adoptee may result in them turning into a chicken -not bad if you need eggs, but may result in cannibalism when eating at the IG Nuggets at the Golden Porches.

Men in Vitis - another devastating and preventable illness- infection suspected when you begin to find underwear on the bathroom floor next to the hamper and piles of dirty dished under the sofa - hard to treat, easy to prevent.

She adds these instructions:

Please use you Blue Ionosphere Insurance to pay for these vaccination - when traveling from outside our solar system, please provide 3, 245 passport photos showing all antennae, limbs and color changes in full detail. Also note, that children will need to have a visa interview at the US Intergalactic Embassy or local consulate in order to get their entry visa. Please do not bring your child to this interview, as it is difficult to replace foreign service diplomats who have been eaten by children unfamiliar with customs.

There has been some discussion on GAARP about the option of selecting the sex of a child, but it appears that girls tend to be from Venus, where boys are from Mars.